Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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