Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize