Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
