i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
