The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
