i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
it hurts more in the daytime
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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