You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
