its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
