Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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