i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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