If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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