If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
