Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
