It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
