Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
