Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
