Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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