I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Say something about gay babies.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
