My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Randomize
