just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
