So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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