Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
