She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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