everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize