So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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