Can Purell be used as lube?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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