so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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