is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
