I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
