You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
