I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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