Please don't use social media to get back at me.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
