I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
