I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
