I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
