Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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