i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize