so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
