I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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