It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
