no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
