Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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