You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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