After last night, I could never be a politician.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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