Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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