In America we eat man semen.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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