4 words: hood of his car
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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