Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(352): View more from Florida

i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Im watching someone hooking up in the library

(970): View more from Colorado

procrastination at its finest

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(516): View more from New York

I understand why you refuse to be sober now

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just Tebowed the shit out of her.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.

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(518): View more from New York

Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch

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(313): View more from Michigan

Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?

(705): View more from Ontario

Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep

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