i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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