I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
