I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I checked into jail on foursquare
This is the prime rib incident all over again
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
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