Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Did I show you my penis last night?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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