You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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