She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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