yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Randomize
