If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
