If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
