Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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