Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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