i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
