Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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