last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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