I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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