I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
