Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
